


Cyrano

by bathsope



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Office, Multi, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Set it Up (movie) au, a bit of crude humor, ill be adding tags as i update so i dont spoil, jean and eren try to set up their bosses for more freetime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 13:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15558519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bathsope/pseuds/bathsope
Summary: “Cyrano is a situation when a nerdy guy helps a handsome guy date the girl that he loves by telling him what to say and what to do.The word is from a character that portrayed the act.“In which Jean Kirschtein and Eren Jaeger really only have two things in common. One, is that their overbearing bosses definitely need to get laid sooner or later. And two, the fact that they could both agree that if fucking pizza was socially acceptable, they would most likely be fucking pizza. The first relatable thing is probably the most important, but it’s good to know where they both stand in terms of loving pizza too much.(Based off of the Netflix original “Set it Up”, with a twist.)





	Cyrano

To say that Jean Kirschtein’s life is going the direction he thought it would ten years ago, wouldn’t be a complete lie. He’s twenty-eight years old, living in a small-ass apartment with his gay best friend, dating a hot-as-hell model, and working as an assistant for someone who could metaphorically forget how to wipe their own ass. So yeah, he definitely pictured himself working for some rich asshole. Pictured himself with Marco. His model girlfriend surely came as a surprise, but he isn’t going to protest against it.

It probably wouldn’t be as bad if his current boss wasn’t such a pain in the ass. You probably couldn’t fathom remembering just about everything about a single person in the span of even _two_ years. Jean managed to remember every likes and dislikes and allergies of his boss— _Hanji Zoe_ —in about _one_ year. And Hanji Zoe was probably one of the most eccentric fuckers in the universe. Hanji Zoe, who demanded everybody to be called by their last names and last names _only_ and who likes their coffee practically drenched in diabetes and who _only_ likes the cherry jelly beans and makes you (re: _me, Jean_ ) separate them into two different bowls and then forces you (re: _me,_ Jean _,_ again) to eat the leftover jelly beans because— _It’s a waste of food_.

Not to mention that Hanji Zoe gets about an hour sleep every night and Jean isn’t allowed to leave the building until they leave the building. Meaning Jean gets an hour sleep about every night too. Which, normally, wouldn't be so bad. He got through college with barely any sleep, but as he grew older, the need for a beauty sleep became more and more necessary.

Even if Zoe seemed like just an eccentric character, they were also impossibly strict and a bit moody. Jumping back and forth from joy to outright terrifying. Jean was often walking in eggshells around the higher up. But working for her was the only possible way he could get a promotion and a better pay and finally— _hopefully_ —more time for himself and his girlfriend.

—

Having to separate the red jelly beans from the other colors and having to go all the way across town to get a cup full of diabetes is probably one of the easier things to deal with when being Zoe’s assistant. Having to wait while they attended some fancy dinner with other rich assholes while he stood waiting outside with the really scary bouncer was most definitely the worst.

“You can’t stand out here.” The bouncer said, for what felt like the _nth_ time that night. An hour or two has passed and Jean can feel his knees giving out at any moment. He knows that Zoe could be such a social person that they could easily lose track of time—but the fact that they openly complain about the rich assholes and how frequently they have to visit the diner should be a good indication that they would leave as soon as possible. But Jean wouldn’t know what happens in that club anyway. “Members only.”

“Yeah, _yeah_ . I know. My boss is in there, you saw them go in and leave me here.” He tries not to think about the fact that he’d much rather be anywhere else _but_ here. Like his bed. Next to his girlfriend, whom he frequently mentions. Because she’s hot.

The bouncer rolls his eyes. “Members are allowed in the doorway.” That was enough indication that Jean’s presence wasn’t needed. He holds back the urge to sigh and nods in defeat. The shoulder bag currently feeling like a bag of bricks nearly slips off his shoulder and he shrugs it back on.

“Alright, alright.” With his free hand, he reaches for his phone in his pocket and points at a nearby sidewalk tree—y’know, the ones that are always so thin and have two sticks taped to it to keep it upright. Those poor bastards. “I’ll just go over there and—and call my girlfriend. Her names Hitch.” But the bouncer already tuned him out.

He calls her number and it rings three times before she finally picks up.

“Hey babe, sorry Zoe is staying a little longer than earlier.” She hums from the other end of the line and he can hear the running of water. “Wh—are you...are you taking a bath?”

“Yeah. Sucks you’re not here, _Jeen_.” Hitch’s voice comes as its usual purr and he couldn’t even care about the fact that she purposefully said his name wrong. Most nights he can deal with Zoe’s antics, but tonight was definitely not the night. The urge to run off to Hitch’s apartment practically overrides his mind, but there was still that little part of him that disagrees with his stupid monkey brain. “I have an idea—”

“Kirschtein! Let’s go.” Hanji Zoe’s voice fills him with panic and whatever sort of lust he had was washed away with fear. In that split moment of fear, he throws his phone and hears the audible crack as it hits the wall. Well there goes like half of his paycheck.

He sees Zoe bounding up to him with a light skip to their step but obvious annoyance in their features. “I hate all of those old men. All they would agree with is anything that gets them the most money and the least contribution.”

“Uh—right.” Jean quickly reaches into his bag to pull out a tumbler with Zoe’s weird green drink. Zoe takes it quickly and gulps the whole thing down with a refreshed _ah_ once she finishes. Their car finally drives up and Jean moves to open the door. They hand him the empty tumbler before stepping into the car. “So—I’ll, uh, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

They look at him incredulously, like Jean just said that cherry jelly beans were the worse thing. His boss shakes their head with furrowed eyebrows as they step into the car. “The job never ends, Johnny-boy! We’re going back to the office and make those rich old men rue this day.”

Of course.

He nods just as a nervous chuckle bubbled from his throat. “Right—do you...do you want dinner?”

“Nah, I already got my fix of green slime!” Oh how Jean wishes that was a joke. It wouldn’t surprise him if the shit that they drank _was_ some sort of slime. Apparently, it was for their health. Which was surprising, considering the amount of caffeine they consume on the daily.  “Let’s go Johnny-boy! Get in the car.”

“Y-yes Zoe.”

Unlike what most people would think, Hanji Zoe had a child. A little gremlin by the name of Nanaba who is an angel around her parent and a little shit when Jean was around. Like most kids these days, it seems like. Unfortunately, this little gremlin managed to convince Zoe to have Jean make her fifth grade science project. Thus, explaining the five lemons and the tri-fold poster sitting at the end of his desk.

Zoe paid it no attention to it and continued on to their office. Jean huffed, science was never his shtick. Most of what he’s doing at the moment is through various YouTube DIYs and tutorials from science teachers online who have way too much time on their hands. It was more of Zoe’s and with the high grades that Nanaba had been blessed with, he’s positive that Nanaba is more of a science nerd too. A lazy science gremlin.

“Hey Kirschtein, where’s my dinner?” The question makes him stop dead in his tracks. It was past midnight. There would be nothing open this late that fits Hanji Zoe’s picky palate. Jean makes a mental note for the next time Hanji declines dinner—to order one anyway. Zoe was always such a weird person. There was no linear way that their brain works and it never fails to surprise Jean all the time.

“Y-you...you wanted dinner? Because—”

“Yes! I do, we’ll be here all night anyway.” There’s a firmness in their voice and Jean gulps. There was no room to correct Zoe at all. During nights like these, they were always so easily irritable. He hears his own stomach grumble at the thought of dinner. Hopefully, if he finds somewhere to get food, he can buy one for him as well.

“Right. I’ll—I will be right back. With your dinner.” He spins on his heel and runs out of the office. His phone was currently out of service, so there really is only one way for him to find a place to buy food.

—

“Look, I will pay you _so_ much when you come back tomorrow.” The voice echoes throughout the front of the building and Jean spots two figures at the end. One, was obviously some food delivery guy but the latter is someone Jean’s never seen before in the building. Jean was positive that it was only him and Zoe left in the building. He doesn’t know if he’s glad there’s someone else with a crazy boss or pity that there _is_ someone else suffering with him. “I only have a card or I can write you a check.”

“Cash only.”

Jean grins—it’s definitely his lucky day today. He reaches for his pockets immediately taking out his wallet. He lightly jogs over to the two, at least he didn’t have to run all around town to find someplace open. Fuck Zoe’s picky palate, hopefully they’ll take the excuse of _there were no other shops open this late_. “Hey, is that food?”

“If you got thirty-two bucks it’s yours.”

“Hey! This is _my_ boss’ dinner. If I don’t get it up there, I’ll get fired!” He finally gets a better look at the other poor employee. He’s much shorter than Jean, somewhere around his chin at most. Chocolate brown hair kept short (ending around mid-ears.) and a long but somewhat rounded face. But the most noticeable feature was his heterochromia eyes. Both expressive as hell; his right eye a blue-green shade and the other a golden yellow. “Hey, _asshole_ —”

Right, back to reality. Stop ogling the pretty eyes. He shrugs his shoulders, holding the wallet out in front of the other employee. Reminding him which of the two of them actually had money.

“And if _I_ don’t get this food up to _my_ boss, I’ll get fired too.” He takes out the thirty-two bucks from his wallet and hands it over to the food delivery guy. Poor dude, he’s out working late like them too. The man passes him the bag of food, nods his head before walking off. “Thank you very much good sir.”

He began to walk off with the bag of food when footsteps stomp after him.

“Hey! I bought two meals there—one for me and one for my boss. We can split it.” Jean stops at that. At least, he could pity the latter. A sigh escapes his lips and he nods. The employee takes the bag from his hand and places it on the floor. He takes out a small take-out container for himself and hands the other to Jean. “I need the truffle mac-and-cheese. You can get my burger."

“Hold up, I can’t give Hanji Zoe a _burger_.”

“Alright alright.” The latter purses his lips and opens the two container on the floor. Jean stays standing while the latter sits on his knees. He scoops up a bit of the mac-and-cheese with a plastic spoon and places it in the burger along with a piece of kale. “Here you go. It’s a truffle mac-and-cheese with kale burger. And I’ll take the pickle.”

Jean snatches the pickle and places it back next to the burger. “No way, I’m giving this to my boss. You can’t have a truffle burger without a pickle.” He knows it’s bullshit because any self-sustaining burger would survive just fine without a pickle. It’s a white lie. Or maybe a full-on lie. But at least it gives him a dinner for tonight.

They approach the elevators with their boss’ dinners. The weirdness of it should satisfy Zoe, but Jean hopes that it’s not enough to make it Zoe’s new favorite food. Both of these two meals were thirty dollars together—not to mention he has to recreate it every time. “I expect you to pay me back for this dinner, by the way. I’ll be on the eighth floor in Hanji Zoe’s department.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

They enter two opposite elevators, long enough to get better looks at each other. He’s definitely much shorter. His eyes are so expressive, even from where Jean stood he could see the flecks of anger. “Hey, you suck.”

“Yeah?” Jean picks up the pickle and takes a big bite. He pulls the smuggest grin that he could pull—which, considering the amount of practice he’d had in smug grins, is actually extremely smug. There’s a flash of offense that passes through the latter’s features before it shifts to pure anger. “Guess what? This pickle was actually for _me_.”

The elevator doors started closing, but not before the latter could yell a,”You are a _monster_ .” And then he was alone on his way up to his boss. Maybe he could still manage to get home to Hitch. Sex sounds great right now, especially after this long-ass day. Sex was always a good way to unwind. Maybe he sounds like a sex-freak. He could definitely live _without_ sex but life is always good with it too. He should stop talking about sex so much. Especially because he’s holding a pickle. So it’s _kind of_ weird.

Just as he steps out of the elevator, Hanji Zoe steps into the elevator. They’re texting on their phone, fingers tapping on the screen haphazardly.

“Your dinner—”

“I’m going home. Nanaba is throwing a fit.” They don’t wait for Jean to reply as the elevator doors shut close and Jean is left on the floor alone, with the weirdly made burger. A sigh of pure exhaustion passes through his lips and he pushes the urge away to bang his head on the nearest hard surface.

Jean looks down at the burger in his hand as the thought to eat it crosses his mind. A second later, he’s ripping the container open and bites the burger with all of his pent up anger.

(It _was_ a pretty good burger though.)

—

It’s one in the morning when he makes it to Hitch’s apartment. He knocks on her door three times. The flowers he picked off a flower bed basically crushed in his hands and out of breath. Once he was done locking everything up and getting out of the building, Jean made an immediate beeline to Hitch’s apartment. It’s no wonder he’s been getting so thin lately.

Her voice filters out from the intercom, heavy with fatigue. “...Jean?”

“Yeah—hey, babe. So-sorry I was late.” He can’t help but stammer over his own words, breath still coming out in heavy pants. They weren’t really planning much tonight. Just a simple promise that _if_ Jean gets out of work early, he might’ve gotten lucky. Obviously with how things went today, he didn’t.

“It’s one in the morning Jean.” She sounds annoyed. Of course she’s annoyed. It’s one in the morning and she’s a model. Jean, despite _not_ being a model, knows the importance of beauty sleep.

“I can...I can, uh, wake you up with my penis. Well. I mean—you’ll be awake of course—”

“I need my beauty sleep Jean. I can’t have a puffy face in my shoot tomorrow.” Her voice is slurring, most likely from sleep. He feels a pinch of guilt, considering the fact that she was in the middle of teasing him when he abruptly cancelled the call.

“No—it’s okay. Good night babe.” She hums back before the intercom cuts off. Jean groans and rests his head on the door, shutting his eyes closed for a moment. Just—just to rest. Today was a hell of a whirlwind, way more than it usually is.

“I’d let you wake me up with your penis.” The voice brings him back to reality and it’s some homeless dude wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at Jean. It almost feels like a hallucination if it weren’t for the fact that the dude is blowing weed his way. The sweet stench making its way to his nose. It makes his stomach grumble and feel nauseated all at the same time. The man continues wiggling his eyebrows. Obviously waiting for Jean to take him up on his offer.

“Yeah—I...okay.” And he walks away.

—

When he gets home from his walk of shame, it’s one thirty in the morning and the lights in his apartment are all off. All sign of life nonexistent in comparison to the still-alive city of Trost. It’s a nice contrast. A good way to unwind and let himself catch up with the whirlwind of a day.

Their apartment is small, but what one would expect from someone living in New York as an assistant and the other being a third grade school teacher. Both overworked and underpaid as hell. There’s two bedrooms at least and one bathroom. Their living room, kitchen, and front door was basically the same room if it weren’t for the knee wall separating the front entrance to their living room.

Jean angrily unbuckles his belt and throws his pants off as he reaches the fridge—his pants pooling at his ankles and the fridge light pours onto the dark apartment. Jean steps out of the pants as he scans the fridge. Half empty, mostly with food that he has to heat up and make noise with to actually eat. He loved Marco too much to make too much noise this late at night.

“Hey.” It’s Marco’s voice and still manages to scare the shit out of Jean as he jumps in his spot. His heart basically leaping from his chest. Marco’s sitting in the living room, in total darkness and looking over at Jean with a bright smile. “Long day?”

Jean sighs and takes a beer out of the fridge. “The hell are you doing sitting out here like a weirdo?”

“Just...thinking.”

Jean makes his way to the armchair across from Marco and takes a sip of his beer. This is definitely far from being an okay dinner and his mother would yell at him but this was adulthood. Since Marco is wide awake, he can probably heat up some of the leftover spaghetti sitting in his fridge.

“Wait—do...do you have a guy over?” He says this as a hushed whisper and it was Marco’s turn to sigh. It’s kind of ironic, with the sort of aura that Marco gives out and how he _actually_ is. Usually, Marco comes back with some dudes from bars but for the past few days, Jean’s been seeing the same dude come in and out of their shared apartment. It had to be a good sign, even if he never caught the dude’s name or what he really looks like.

“I love you Jean, but as a fellow gay, you should know we don’t have sex all the time.”

“Sorry.” He grumbles and returns back to taking sips of his beer. Jean bites back the retort that he was some sort of bisexual, but knowing Marco, he had no real heat behind his words. This was mostly how their nights were spent. If Marco wasn’t with some cute dude, they were sitting together. Doing shit that best friends do when they live with each other. Jean is usually donning actual pajamas. Not his combination of loose necktie, unbuttoned dress shirt and his nicest pair of boxers. And of course, his black socks that go up a dad-lenght up his calf. “It was a long day today.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

Jean shakes his head. “The same old thing.”

The two of them have been best friends since diapers, it feels like. In truth, they met around middle school after Marco transferred in from Jinae. A nice town by the beach that was about across the country from Trost—and right by the beach. Middle-school Jean never understood why someone would move from the beach to the city and Marco didn’t either. The two of them became friends after a solidified agreement that the beach was _definitely_ better than the city.

Ten or so years later, they’re still the best of friends. Still living in the city. And Jean is still, somehow, the disaster human between the two of them. If the fact that Marco is loving his life while Jean probably aged ten years the past three years is evidence enough.

 

Just as Jean was about to speak up again—the same dude comes out from Marco’s room—this time, in less of a rush than the other previous times. One thing that Jean immediately noticed was that the dude was tall. If Marco was tall, this dude had to be a whole titan.

Dark brown skin, with soft brown eyes and darker brown hair. Jean _had_ to admit that he was cute. Like, a little puppy cute.

The dude reached down to peck Marco’s cheek and a smile blossomed in his best friend’s face. It was a cute gesture and enough for Jean to look away—just because it felt like such an intimate moment that he shouldn’t have intruded on.

“I think I should finally introduce you two to each other,” there’s a chuckle in Marco’s voice as he says this and the latter nods as he straightened himself to face Jean. “Jean, meet my boyfriend—Bertholdt Hoover. Bert, this is Jean.” And Jean wouldn’t have noticed the bashful way Marco had introduced them, if it weren’t for his nervous tick. His finger rubbing the bottom of his nose— _that_ nervous tick that’s still somewhat endearing for Jean to see.

Jean stands, belatedly realizing that he was only in his boxers. But before he could react to his chagrin, Berthodt was already reaching over to shake his hand. The two exchange greetings and Jean quickly sits back down, hoping to hide his current state.

“R-right. Marco’s told me a lot about you already.” Bertholdt raises a hand to rub the nape of his neck. A habit that Jean’s noticed on Marco the past few weeks as well. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Yeah man, ‘snice to meet you too.” He still can’t help but feel awkward. Amazed but mostly happy for Marco. Hitch and Marco never really managed to click as well as Jean did with her. So any attempts of getting him model bachelors were out of the question.

Bertholdt turns to Marco once more, a faint smile on his lips. “I got paged for work, sorry Marco.”

“No, you’re good. I’ll see you tomorrow ‘kay?”

The two share another chaste kiss, one that has Jean look away once more. And then Bertholdt was off, leaving the two of them alone in the living room once more. Jean takes a couple more ginger sips of his beer. Marco is still smiling in his seat, hand on his cheek. He has a dreamy-look in his countenance, it’s almost sickening.

“So...a surgeon?”

It brings Marco back to Earth, but the cheesy smile is still on his face. He nods, slowly getting up from his seat as he does so. Jean grins as he finishes his bottle of beer off. A surgeon and an elementary school teacher almost sounds like a joke with some cheesy punchline. Almost.

“Look at you, with your own Mcdreamy.”

Marco throws a pillow his way, softly hitting Jean’s face before he could properly react. It brings a snort out of Marco’s throat and a soft groan from Jean’s.

“Seriously though, I’m happy for you Mar.”

“Thanks Jean. All that’s left is for you to quit your job.”

  
_Yeah, right_.

**Author's Note:**

> I ended up really liking this movie more than I thought I would and once I finished it, my mind just went,'jeaneren'. And so this fic was born. I highly suggest this movie to anyone looking for feel-good movies. The dialogue had me weak and thus why I'll be incorporating a few of them in this story but mostly everything else is from my own head. I'm also steering a bit away from the plot line, mainly because I felt like the movie went down something really dark and deep. I don't want the two bosses to go that way, so their plot wont follow Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs' characters plot. I won't spoil it but it left a gross taste in my mouth. Along with that, I also changed a few things around, just so this story isn't as predictable (๑˃ᴗ˂)ﻭ
> 
> I somehow managed to write ten whole pages without having to rewrite it over and over. It's really the first time I managed to write without restarting it (as much) just because I liked how it turned out? idk man! It's a good feeling because I end up restarting a lot of fics, which is why I can never update as much as I want to. Anyway, I went on a tangent here, if you read this far, you deserve a star!
> 
> I'll be starting college soon, so I don't quite know when I can update this, but I will try to be updating this regularly! Thank you so much for reading this far, quick reminder that comments and kudos are greatly appreciated (*꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ) !
> 
>  
> 
> hmu in my socials!:
> 
> \- [tumblr](http://goldenhyung.tumblr.com/)


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